When I first found out I was pregnant with this baby, I was, of course ecstatic, but I was also nervous. Having lost two babies between my girls and this baby, I was somewhat worried from the very start.
But I also decided very early on, that I did not want to experience the miracle of this pregnancy in a constant state of fear. I knew that I wanted to feel joy and wonder at the life of this little one, even if my pregnancy was again short lived and I didn’t get to see my baby on this earth.
With a few exceptions, my husband and I did not tell people that I was pregnant until I got through the first trimester, but I also did not try to hide it at all. Since I had lost so much weight right before getting pregnant, and I started showing very early, I knew that most people had figured it out. Some people asked me, and I enjoyed admitting it. We told our girls shortly after the very first ultrasound showed that baby was looking good.
I wanted to celebrate however much time we would get with this baby.
But I’m almost 40. I’ve lost two babies. There has still been worry. The four-week wait time between OB appointments when I’d get to hear that little heart beat have seemed interminable.
I have tried to give it all to God. Having faith has helped a great deal to keep my anxiety at bay, and whenever I would start to feel afraid, I would return to my go to: “Jesus, I trust in You.” Never fails.
And getting to the point of being able to feel the baby moving has helped a ton too.
Yesterday, we had the Big Ultrasound. Everyone, of course, asked if we were going to find out the baby’s gender and expressed excitement over finding out whether we are having a boy or a girl. And every time the subject would come up, I would think to myself, “But we have to see other important stuff first. Gender is great, but I need to know our baby is healthy.”
Finding out the gender was the side show for me this time.
But not for the baby! Literally, the very first clear image that came up when the tech placed the ultrasound thingy on my belly was a very obvious shot in which the baby was announcing that he is all BOY.
My husband called out right away, “It’s a boy!” And I nearly burst into tears. I kind of knew it was a boy, because this pregnancy has been different in many ways from my pregnancies with my girls. But to have it confirmed, in such a fun way, was an amazing moment. I will never forget it.
(On the way home, we stopped and got a few onesies as our way to reveal the gender to the girls)
And happily, the rest of the ultrasound (during which I felt like I was often holding my breath) looked wonderful too. Our little guy looks healthy and strong, and I breathed a big sigh of relief and sent up many prayers of thanksgiving when it was all done.
A boy. I’m absolutely thrilled… and slightly terrified. It’s a whole new world.
The girls are very excited to be having a baby brother. Miss has been praying for a baby brother for many months, and she is certain this is a direct answer to her prayers.
The two older girls began working on “baby books” for their brother right away, including drawings of our family with him in utero, drawings of him being born, and even drawings of him and his wife and three kids when he grows up (pictures of Lass’s drawings in that order):
They’ve got things all planned out for him it seems.
I’m getting used to saying things like “My son” and “Your brother.” It’s kind of surreal, and absolutely wonderful.
We’re having a boy!!