On Prayer and Getting It Right

I have mentioned before that I spent many years not praying. I didn’t believe in God, so I didn’t believe in prayer, so I didn’t pray. It’s only been a little over a year since I started to pray again, and I have found that I am still uncertain about how to do it right. I realize that there isn’t just one right way to pray, but it seems I’m not quite on target in the way I do it. I feel clumsy and inadequate.

I mentioned this to my husband the other day, and he was surprised that I would feel uncertain about praying. Apparently to some people, how to pray, is never really a question or concern. But I’ve noticed that there seem to be all sorts of unwritten rules about how to do it that no one really ever teaches you. At least not when you’re 37. I may have learned as a child, but I don’t remember.

Generally speaking, my prayers are just clunky. When I hear other people pray or read prayers that others have composed, I’m always amazed at how fancy and eloquent and religious they sound. My prayers don’t sound like that at all. Mine are more like “Dear-God-Thank-you-for-my-blessings-Please-watch-over-my-husband-and-children-and-um-help-me-to-be-a-better-mom-Amen.” Of course that’s an exaggeration, but not as much as you might think.

I probably wouldn’t worry about this issue so much, except that my lack of confidence has led me to feel insecure in my ability to teach my girls how to pray. I try to tell them how special it is to be able to talk to God and to explain why we pray and so on. But I feel awkward and wonder if I’m saying the right things so they get it.

I do feel hopeful when I see Miss imitating me by bowing her head and murmuring over my rosary, what she calls my “prayer beads.” I smile when Lass tells me that she talks to God in her room during nap time or spontaneously blurts out, “Mom, I love Jesus.” I swoon when Baby Sis clasps her hands in prayer and says “Amen” during grace before dinner.

My girls are all still under five, so it could be that I just need to relax a wee bit. But it feels like such a huge responsibility to be the one teaching them all of this stuff when I barely get it myself half of the time.

My big question is, is it “okay” to pray for something you want? I’ve heard or read opinions on both sides of this question in the past year. I always felt pretty strongly that it was okay, but now I’m not sure. For many months I had been praying and praying and praying for something I reeeeallllly wanted. I prayed this chaplet and that intercessory prayer and such and such novena. I wore little medals and carried one sometimes too. I believed that if I just got it right, if I just prayed the right thing with the right beads wearing the right medal, asking for intercession from the right saint, I’d get what I wanted.

But I didn’t.

I started to realize that it probably doesn’t work that way. That if I was praying, at least much of the time, with my goal in mind instead of with God in mind, maybe I was doing it “wrong.” So instead, I began to pray for help with trusting that He will give me what I need, even if it’s not what I want.

I’m awkward and clunky in prayer, but I try to remember that I’m still learning and re-learning. That God doesn’t mind if my prayers aren’t pretty. That whether I use the perfect words is less important than whether my prayers are heartfelt. That all I need to do is keep praying. So I do.