Many years ago, I took a girlfriend to a psychic as a birthday present. It was a goofy thing to do, and we both took our “readings” with several grains of salt. I don’t remember much of anything that the psychic told me, except that at one point she gravely looked at me and told me that I am extremely fertile and should use caution (at the time I was not in a position of wanting to have kids) to avoid having a huge number of children. I chuckled, a little nervously at that, and thought, “Well, I don’t want kids now, but someday that will be awesome to have lots and lots, since I’m so fertile!” (lots and lots back then would have meant about four). And then I laughed and went back to real life. 
The psychic’s words kind of stuck with me, though. I don’t think I ever really took her predictions to be true, but I remember thinking about that fertility comment a few times in the early years of my marriage, when my husband and I were getting pregnant almost as easily as we were breathing. We had our three girls closely together, by design, and I was feeling pretty smug in my hyper-fertility.
At one point I even offered to give all of my winter maternity clothes to Super Friend when she was pregnant with her fourth baby, thinking that, if I followed my typical pattern of having babies on an 18-months-apart schedule (and I had no reason to believe that I wouldn’t!) then I would not need winter maternity clothes again. 
I would laugh at the absurdity of my over-confidence if it wasn’t so painful to look back on my stupidity.
Saturday I nervously clicked “publish” on a post that shared some of my no-longer-hyper-fertile struggles and attempted to shed some light on the “taboo-ness” of infertility. I have never liked to talk about infertility or miscarriage for two reasons. One is that I don’t want to make people feel bad or awkward. The other is that I feel bad to complain about infertility when I am blessed to have three beautiful children.
But the idea behind the post was to put forth some support for others who are quietly suffering from infertility or secondary infertility or sub fertility and similarly feel unable to talk about it. To give a virtual hug to other moms who have experienced miscarriages.
In the process of doing so, I mentioned that sometimes it is hard to be around pregnant women or those who have wonderful, big Catholic families. I mentioned that some might think me a jerk if I said, “It can be hard to be around pregnant ladies” to someone who has not experienced infertility or miscarriage.
It didn’t occur to me when writing that other post that some things might be hard for the pregnant ladies too. Or that other moms there, even if they haven’t directly experienced infertility or miscarriage may be very familiar with loss or other motherly struggles (as Bonnie kindly pointed out to me in the combox). I didn’t really think about the fact that it would be highly unlikely for anyone to think I was a jerk for feeling the way I felt, because every mother has her own crosses to bear, and in that place at least, for that time, I don’t think most of them were focused on judging the crosses of others.
And then Jenny commented about being on the opposite side of the fertility continuum. She mentioned having a bit of a hard time identifying with the pain of infertility, because for her (and others I’ve since seen comments from), what I would see as the blessing of strong fertility can at times feel like its own cross.
While I am sitting here wishing for what Jenny and so many other Catholic families have – lots and lots of kids – some of those families are at times feeling overwhelmed with their very blessings. I can think of women who struggle with health problems exacerbated by pregnancy, repeatedly getting pregnant. Or just those mamas in the trenches with lots of babies, in quick succession, struggling to keep it all together, and likewise feeling unable to speak of it for fear of seeming ungrateful.
We all have crosses to bear. And we all seem to be, at least sometimes, afraid to share our crosses with other moms because we don’t want to seem like ungrateful jerks. But as Jen said in her speech at Edel (I’m paraphrasing), “Can’t we all just admit that what we do is hard?” Because it is sometimes. And instead of pretending that it’s not, or trying to not ever mention a hardship because it could be worse, I think we ought to just all do our best to listen and help other moms with whatever in whatever way we are able.
Sharing our crosses with each other doesn’t mean we are ungrateful for our blessings. It just means we can have more hands to help us carry them.
I’m not so sure that Catholic families in general have lots and lots of children. I don’t think the level or quality of being Catholic depends on that at all. I do think it’s okay to want lots of children. At one time I wanted ten, alternating girl, boy, girl, boy, etc. I also wanted them to have alternations of red hair, black hair, etc. What I have, however, is one child whose hair is sort of brownish.
I’m not saying don’t have lots of children; nor am I saying do have lots of children. I’m saying having children is not the measure of your Catholicity.
I’m the health risks while pregnant cross. My science training and my Mom …..who’s opinion means the world to me, vote that I be happy with the two I have and call it a day. If my two littles are the only two I am ever blessed with I will still feel grateful beyond all reason, but I don’t want to be done……I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be done. Some days I wonder if it is selfish to want more, to have more – especially since there is a chance that my health risks could result in no mom for my current children or early inductions/NICU for another child……hopefully, not with today’s medical teams…..but still it’s a huge struggle for me that I pray on daily and nightly……my dear friend locally just had a miscarriage as well – there are never the right words…but I tell her I love her and she’s a wonderful Mom!!!!! I’m incredibly relieved we don’t know all the answers and that God has this – because this whole thing just baffles me – a lot! 🙂 My daughter has this signing book about feelings…lol….it says feelings aren’t good or bad, they are just the feelings that you have….to which I say AMEN!!! Feel away my friend, but don’t let it shut you down….we all have our struggles, but that doesn’t make your struggle any less real or painful. I will send a special prayer for you and your family – I think you’re pretty neat – even if it is “just” an online friendship 😉 ….oh…..and Thanks for letting me use your comments section for a little “bloggy venting” – did I mention I really miss having the time/energy to blog!!!!! We are trying the 3 day potty training method by the way – day 3!!!…so I’ll take some prayers too if you’ve got room left…LOL VIRTUAL HUGS!