Would You Reschedule a Doctor Appointment for a Play Date?

Posted on April 5, 2013April 5, 2013 by Amy

I have a three-word answer to this question:

In. A. Heartbeat.

I also have a longer answer to the question, which qualifies the short answer.

All play dates are not created equal.

I would not reschedule a doctor appointment for just any play date.

I had routine, well-child appointments scheduled for Sis (one-year checkup) and Miss (four-year checkup) for this morning. I rescheduled them for a play date.

Oh yes I did.

I usually try to get together with a very good friend of mine and her kids for play dates once per week or so. But she just had a new baby about two weeks ago, and though I visited her and her new sweet baby girl in the hospital briefly, we haven’t had a play date in about three weeks. She has had family visiting, so today was the first opportunity we’ve had to get together since her baby was born. And it’s the last opportunity we’ll have before we leave for a week to visit my family in Kentucky. And it’s spring break for her kids so we could all get together instead of having one of her kids not present because of being at school.

This fortuitous coming together of circumstances to allow this one morning for a play date with some special friends was too much to pass up.

I’m so glad I rescheduled the appointments.

When we have play dates with these friends, our kids read together.

They also chase each other, play dress up, and do everything else kids do during play dates, but I just love that they regularly, and for a significant portion of our play dates with them, sit down together and read books. That is just like play date heaven for me. That and pretty much everything else about our visits with these friends.

We even have had evening “jammies, movie, and pizza” play dates with them when Daddies have worked late.

I’ve been to many play dates. Some great ones. A few, um, less than awesome ones. Most would not prompt me to want to reschedule an appointment for my kids.

But today, this time, I missed my friend. I missed her kids and wanted to see her precious new little one again.

Appointment, schm-appointment.

I never really understood the treasure that is an awesome play date until I discovered this friend and her kids (and also experienced some not-so-good play dates). These play dates are no fuss, no muss, no worries. Our kids play well together, and my friend and I practically read each others’ minds as we chit chat and help each other with holding kids, making lunches, wiping mouths, pouring milks.

I love that my girls have friends like these.

I love that I do too. Every mom needs at least one awesome go-to Mom Friend. Truly, it is a must-have for maintaining sanity.

I’m so glad I have my friend.

On Sharing

Posted on March 26, 2013March 27, 2013 by Amy

Yesterday I read an article called “Why I Don’t Make My Son Share.”

It was an interesting read. For the most part, I like what this mom had to say. I agree with a lot of her points. In a nutshell, she talks about her son’s school’s “sharing policy” in which kids are not required to share an item while they are still playing with it. If a kid wants a toy that someone is playing with, he or she has to wait until the playing kid is done. Makes sense. I’ve never really thought of myself as having a “sharing policy,” but I do typically use this rule with my kids (except for the few hot items that we only have one of that they occasionally both want to play with NOW, then we have to take turns).

Reading the article got me to thinking about sharing. The author of the article mostly wrote about the disservice to children if we give them the idea that they “can have something that someone else has, simply because [they] want it,” and the title says she doesn’t make her son share.

As I said, I mostly agree with what she says about not making kids give a toy that they are actively playing with to another child just because that child wants it. But there’s so much more to sharing that I want to teach my kids.

Example:

If I was using something, say my sunglasses on a really sunny day, I would find it odd if another adult came up to me and randomly asked me to wear them. And in many instances I probably wouldn’t give them up, particularly to a stranger. But, sometimes I have an extra pair in my bag or car. I’d happily lend those to someone else who forgot a pair. In fact, I’d probably offer them without even being asked if I saw that someone needed them. That’s sharing. If I decided to put on a baseball cap (which I never do, it’s just not a good look for me, but for the sake of example…) and didn’t need my glasses anymore, I’d surely let someone else use them. Thats sharing. And if, for some reason, another person needed my sunglasses more than me, I’d most likely give them up. I always offer my sunglasses to my husband when he’s driving my car and he’s forgotten his. He never takes me up on the offer. I can’t imagine why.

But even so, that’s sharing.

To me, teaching my girls about sharing doesn’t mean that I tell them that they have to give a toy that they’re actively playing with to another child on demand. It means that I teach them about the basic concepts of “this is mine, but I’m not using it right now, so you can play with it,” and “let’s play together,” and “here’s one for me and one for you.” It’s helping them to see that other people have feelings and wants and needs, and learning ways that we can share what we have with others. It’s learning to not being greedy and selfish and self-centered, which is kind of hard for them right now because they’re naturally egocentric at this age.

I think sharing is a big part of what helps my girls to play so well together much of the time. Not that I have the answer to sibling harmony, because we certainly have our fair share of fights here.

But I think not forcing them to give their toys to each other arbitrarily helps to minimize resentment. In addition to not making them give each other the things that they are playing with at the moment, when they buy something with their own money or receive it as a gift, they are allowed to think of that thing as their own and to decide whether or not to let others play with it. Miss saved her allowance money and bought a Snow White dress last summer that Lass loved. At first when Lass asked to wear it, Miss said “no.” I didn’t force her to let her sister wear it, but the same rule applied to Lass’s Cinderella dress she had gotten for her birthday. After a very short while, Miss began allowing Lass to wear her dress, and vice versa, and it ceased being something to fight over. It’s not a big deal at all now, and I think this is partly because they were allowed to make the decisions for themselves that they would share their dresses with each other (that and the fact that the dresses aren’t the hot new items anymore).

At the same time, encouraging inclusive play, the idea of “some for me and some for you,” and empathy helps them to have good feelings towards each other. And when sharing is a point of contention between them (or whenever they’re arguing), I try to stay out of it and let them figure it out themselves to the extent this is possible. Sometimes if I just wait a minute, they come up with a solution without my “help.” Letting them decide when and how to share with each other helps them to feel good about it and about each other.

Tonight we went out for dinner and ice cream. Miss chose to have her usual chocolate ice cream flavor. The guy scooped it out for her and then Lass chose something different – chocolate ice cream with a raspberry swirl. Miss nearly had a fit and wanted to change her order. Of course I told her that she couldn’t this time, but that she could ask her sister for a taste of hers and maybe order it for herself next time if she liked it. So she did, and at first Lass said, “no.” No one said anything in response to her refusal to share. A few minutes later she said, “Here, you can have a taste of mine,” and held out a spoonful of her ice cream to her sister. She enjoyed sharing it so much, she gave her several bites and offered some to my husband and me too.

I do sometimes “make” my girls share. Almost never in the sense of making them give up a toy they’re playing with, but sometimes they need encouragement to let other kids play with their stuff even if they’re not actively using it. Sometimes my kids need a reminder that sharing is an act of kindness and we want to be kind to people whenever we can. Sometimes I have to set a limit when one of my girls lets out a blood curdling scream because her sister (or friend) picked up a toy that she was no longer playing with, and then tries to snatch it away. I try my best to do this without being too pushy or authoritarian. It doesn’t always work out that way, but I try.

I think parents can get quite anxious about wanting to demonstrate that we have taught our kids to share and have manners and be empathic and all the other qualities that are socially desirable in adults. In fact, I have never had the experience of seeing another mom pushing my kids to share with hers (as in the examples from the article I linked to above). Usually I see parents bending over backwards to try to make sure their own children are sharing. And then there are the times when I see other parents standing by and watching, not doing a thing, while their kid forcefully takes something from mine, but that’s a whole different post…

Anyway, I’m kind of rambling now. What was my point? Sharing is good? Let’s teach kids to share without forcing them to be doormats? Don’t let your kid be a bully? Something like that. I don’t have a terribly coherent take-home message, I guess. I just got to thinking after reading that article, so I thought I’d share my thoughts here.

Sorry 🙂

‘Night.

Food, Lies, and Church

Posted on March 16, 2013March 16, 2013 by Amy

I have some rules about food and meals and eating in our house. Though I try not to go overboard with crazy rules, I think these are important as they serve to try to ensure my kids eat in a healthful way, to minimize battles over food and eating, and to make mealtime a non-negotiable period of time set aside for family.

Here are the food rules at our house:

We have set meal and snack times. My kids do not eat or drink (except water) all throughout the day. Except for special occasion “picnics” on a blanket in the family room while watching a movie and the occasional snack eaten on the road somewhere, they eat at the table. When they get down from the table, they’re done eating until the next meal or snack.

I do not make special food for my kids separate from what I make for my husband and myself. We all eat the same meal. I often include options like cottage cheese or applesauce for my kids to go along with the meal, but I never make them something else.

No one ever has to clean her plate. My kids eat what they want of what is served. When they say they’re done, they ask to be excused and get down from the table.

Along these lines, I don’t ever require my kids to eat anything at meal time if they say they aren’t hungry. BUT, everyone has to at least come to the table and sit with the family (just for meals, not snacks). This preserves the family meal time and also prevents hungry meltdowns after meals if they really are hungry but just say they aren’t because of being absorbed in playing. And I find that, even if they complain about coming to the table saying, “I’m not hungry!!!” they almost always eat once they’re there.

However, if there is some sort of “treat” being served with or after a meal, they must eat a certain amount of their meal in order to be allowed to have dessert. For example, sometimes we have sweet potato chips or nuts (cashews, pecans, etc.) or fruit along with a meal. These things aren’t considered “dessert,” but I also try not to let my kids just fill up on these alone, so if we have these items at the table, they are required to eat a few bites of their meal, then have a bit of one of these side items, then a few more bites of meal, then some more side, etc.

These rules really work well for our family. We rarely have battles at meal times over how much or what they’re going to eat. We all gather together for dinner, which is important to me. My kids learn to listen to the signals from their bodies to control how much they eat. The girls know the rules, so if they try to do something different, we just recite the applicable rule and they generally comply. It’s part of our family routine.

Yesterday, some of these rules got tested a bit. We had meat and cheese for lunch (lunch meat and sliced cheese without bread is common here). Miss was complaining that she didn’t like this food (though she eats it happily often enough). She stated that she only wanted cheese to eat, which was fine. While the girls were eating, I finished putting groceries away. Miss saw some pecans and asked to have some. I told her she could have some, but she needed to eat her cheese and some meat first. She complained and complained. She said her cheese was “sour,” though again she had eaten some of the same cheese happily the day before. I told her, as I always do, that she didn’t have to eat her cheese if she didn’t want to, but she would not be allowed to have pecans if she didn’t. It was her choice. So she kept eating, and kept complaining. After a bit she said, “Okay, I ate it all.” I started to get the pecans for her, but noticed that she had not in fact eaten all of her cheese. She had eaten most of it, and then hidden what was left under some meat on her plate.

Oh man. Busted.

I told her that hiding her cheese under her meat and saying she was done was a lie. I told her she would not be getting pecans. I was pissed and I raised my voice, telling her that she is not to lie to me ever.

Then I stopped and reminded myself that lying is a pretty normal thing for a kid her age. That she is still in the process of trying to figure out what lying really means (she often will say to her sister while playing, “no, you’re lying,” when Lass isn’t lying but simply says something Miss doesn’t like). I reminded myself that she already felt bad after I confronted her on her lie and told her that she would not be allowed to have pecans. I dropped the issue for a bit and we proceeded to get ready for nap time. I put Sis down for her nap, read books with Miss and Lass, and put Lass down for her nap.

Then Miss and I came back downstairs to have our special time (15 minutes of time set aside every day for us to do whatever she wants while her sisters nap). Before we started, I pulled her up on my lap and told her I wanted to talk to her. I told her that when she intentionally says something that is not true that means she is telling a lie. I told her that sometimes telling a lie might get her what she wants, if she doesn’t get caught, but that it’s never worth it. I told her that lying hurts relationships and makes people not trust her. I told her I was sorry for yelling at her. I told her that I felt angry and hurt and disappointed when she lied to me. I told her that I will always, always love her no matter what, but that if she lies to me, I will not trust her. She listened to all of this very intently and nodded her head. Then she gave me a hug and we moved on to our special time. I think this was a good learning experience for both of us.

And speaking of learning experiences, tomorrow we are going to church as a family.

Gulp.

Is it weird that I’m super nervous about this?

I can’t really pinpoint why. I’ve been in church many times over the past several years, though all of those times have been for a wedding or funeral. Maybe it’s because the last time I went to a church just for the purpose of going to church, no one talked to me, not even a “hello” or a smile, which made it feel very weird and unwelcoming. Maybe it’s because going to church will lead my kids to ask questions that I’m not sure I’ll know how to answer. Maybe it’s because going to church will push me further to work on answering my own questions.

It’s probably a little bit of all of these things. I’ve never been one to shy away from pushing myself though. And I’ve made the decision, with a little help from my husband and some other thoughtful people, that I want my girls to be exposed to the experience of religion and worship and faith and all that. I have some to the realization that I’m grateful for having had that experience to some degree myself as a kid. Because even though I moved away from it for many years, when I needed to draw on that history, I was able to do so. I was able to say a prayer and find some comfort in that. I want my girls to have that foundation, whether they maintain faith and/or religion throughout their lives or not.

And if I had had any doubts left, the other day Miss heard me singing “Amazing Grace” and asked me about the “house” where we had heard that song before. I didn’t know what she was talking about and kept asking her “what house?” while trying to figure out what she meant. She said something about the “big house” where she and her sister had been coloring while people were singing. Then I realized she meant church. She was talking about my husband’s grandmother’s funeral. I think she just confused “Amazing Grace” with either the “Hallelujah” song or “Ave Maria,” both of which were sung at that funeral (though I don’t think “Amazing Grace” was).

Anyway, after I realized what she meant and we clarified that she was talking about church, she said, “Can we go there again someday, Mama?”

Yes. Yes we can.

Taking that leap of faith tomorrow.

Two Sentences I Try to Never Say

Posted on March 6, 2013March 6, 2013 by Amy

“I don’t have time.”

“I’m so busy.”

I try hard to never utter these sentences.

Having three children so young and so close in age means that yes, my days are sometimes a bit hectic. I can’t tell you how many times someone has looked at me with my three girls and said something like, “Whoa! You’ve got your hands full! You must be so busy!”

But I’m not any more busy than most people. In fact, it seems to me I’m actually less busy than many people I know. When you have little kids, you have a different kind of busy. Or maybe busy isn’t even quite the right word for it. Maybe “frazzled” would be better, or “scatterbrained.” I might look busy when I’m running and/or wandering around like a crazy lady, because I can’t quite wrap my head around what I was supposed to be doing just now, due to the fact that my brain has not had a moment of quiet for the past seven hours. Between the sibling squabbles and top-of-the-lungs singing, throwing fits (mostly them) and reading out loud, “Mama, can you be Prince Charming?” and “I have to go potty!!!”, “I’m so hungry!” and “Mama, Mama, Mama, MAMA!,” I often have difficulty forming coherent sentences or remembering where I am, which might make me appear a bit harried at times, which might be mistaken for busy.

Moms have lots of stuff to do, but I can’t say that I’m super busy.

But that’s not why I try not to say, “I’m so busy” and “I don’t have time for ____.”

A few months ago I was busier. Miss was in preschool twice per week and I had to drive 25 minutes each way to take her to school. Both older girls were in gymnastics and Miss was taking swimming lessons. We had a weekly playdate with good friends. Add in grocery shopping, cleaning house, cooking, yadda, yadda. There was lots to do.

I made a choice to take Miss out of preschool and life began to feel much less busy.

I. Made. A. Choice.

I chose to take Miss out of school for many reasons, which didn’t necessarily include becoming less busy. But the reduction in rushing and running was a welcome result. I realize that taking kids out of school or other activities isn’t something that others would want or be able to do. But my point is this:

We have time for that which we make time.

If something is a priority, we make the time to do it.

Sometimes I’m very tempted to say, “I’m don’t have time to exercise.” But I do. I really do. The truth is, sometimes I’m just too tired. Or too lazy. Or I prefer to sit on my rear and read a book during the brief and precious time that my kids are napping. “I prefer,” not “I don’t have time.” Yes, it would feel better to say, “I don’t have time,” because then it could feel more like I wasn’t responsible for my lack of exercise. But I want to take responsibility for, and thus control of, the choices I make for my life.

Here’s another example. I’m in three book clubs. I don’t go to all of them monthly, but frequently do attend two, and one I never miss. Very often when other members and I have invited friends to join a book club, we get a response of something like, “I’d love to, but I don’t have time to read.”

I try not to get offended by this, because I’m pretty sure the people who make these statements aren’t trying to say, “I am way more busy than you if you have time to sit around and read books! Loser!” No. I’m sure no one means that.

But the thing is, I have time to read books because I love to read books. Reading is a huge priority to me. The book club I never miss? Priority. Same thing with this blog. Priority.

I make time to do the things that are important to me.

Reading, blogging, cooking, playing with and teaching my kids, quality time with my husband. Exercise. Yeah, I’m working on that last one.

Sometimes my life can feel busy. Sometimes I feel rushed, especially when trying to get three kids into winter gear and out the door in time to make it to a swimming class. Sometimes I get so focused on the end goal – lunch on the table, kids in bed, or whatever, that I forget to have fun with my girls in the process. I’m working on slowing down. Feeling less pressed. Being more mindful. Enjoying small moments.

Avoiding the “I’m so busy”/”I don’t have time” temptation is one of the ways I’m trying to accomplish this. If I don’t say and believe “I’m soooo busy,” I think I’m less likely to feel that way.

Presidents and Perfectionism

Posted on February 28, 2013February 28, 2013 by Amy

Since we were out of town last week, we’re talking about presidents and President’s Day in our homeschool this week. Miss is very fascinated by the stories of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. I think she especially likes President Lincoln, because we have read a few books that mentioned how much he loved to read. I suspect she views him as sort of a kindred spirit. Plus she thinks it’s really cool that he’s on the penny.

We made George Washingtons yesterday.

I love them.

I had planned to do the old standby “Lincoln’s log cabin”craft using popsicle sticks today. However, Miss specifically asked to make a President Lincoln instead of making his house. Kindred spirits, I say.

So I quickly pulled up this printable from DLTK and they started working on it. I left the room for a few mintues and came back to find that Miss had looked through one of our library books to find a picture of President Lincoln to refer to while she made her craft. “So I know what he looks like,” she said.

She was quite pleased with her finished presidents, though we had a bit of a rough time getting there with the Lincoln craft.

See, my eldest girl is something of a perfectionist. She is very particular when creating her masterpieces. The jacket she pasted onto the Lincoln picture was a bit tricky to get lined up right. I didn’t care if she had it placed perfectly, but she sure did. And she was very upset that, when placed correctly, it covered his hands a little bit. It was quite difficult for me to keep from helping her with this. She was having a complete meltdown, but I knew she could figure it out herself, and that she would feel much more satisfaction than if I fixed it for her. I ended up giving her some suggestions about how she could get the jacket the way she wanted but keep it from covering his hands, such as cutting the ends of the sleeves. She came up with her own solution though, as she usually does. She folded the sleeves back and pasted them in place, to make cuffs. Problem solved. And she did it herself. I love that “Aha!” moment.

I also love Lass’s accomplishments (she wouldn’t pose for a picture holding up her presidents).

I must admit, it takes a bit of effort on my part to sit back and let them do their craft projects on their own. I have a tendency to want to “help” them place the pieces in the right general area. I guess I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. Lately I have been extra mindful of backing off. Of letting them shine in their own ways. I show them how the pieces are “supposed” to go together and then hand them the glue sticks and sit back. It’s actually much more fun this way. And naturally they got so much more out of the process and enjoy the end product more when they do it themselves.

They are teaching me every day.

9 Reasons I’m Not a Feminist (and Maybe You Aren’t Either)

Posted on January 29, 2013February 25, 2014 by Amy

This is an issue that has been on my mind lately for various reasons. It has repeatedly come to my attention in the past few weeks, like when I recently read this article about women now being allowed in combat. Or when I read the book “The Flipside of Feminism: What Conservative Women Know — and Men Can’t Say,” which has a stupid name and some real problems in its writing and plenty that I don’t agree with, but is nevertheless an interesting read. Or when I read this blog post in which a woman wrote about how offended she was as a mother and infuriated as a feminist that her son’s preschool teacher was encouraging the little boys to be gentlemen. For real.

I have never identified myself as a feminist. I was lambasted by my professor in an undergraduate women’s writing course when I wrote a paper disagreeing with a feminist book we had to read (I don’t remember which book it was). Though I spent many years in school pursuing an advanced degree to become a psychologist, I always knew that what I really wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom.

So yes, feminism annoys me. Of course I want equal rights for women and men. I have three daughters for pete’s sake. But I think feminism takes things too far. Feminism comes across as angry and hostile and lawsuit-happy. And here are some more reasons I’m not a feminist:

1. I believe in equal rights for all people, not greater rights and entitlements for women (or any other group).

2. It is my fervent hope that women and men will never have equal pay (on average). We already have equal pay for doing the same job (according to the law). We will probably never have equal average pay, because women often choose to work fewer hours and at less demanding and dangerous jobs than men in order to be more available for their children. I hope this doesn’t change.

3. I think feminism is partly to blame for much of the “Mommy Wars” and “Mommy Guilt” women struggle with nowadays. Women of my generation have been inundated with the idea that it is our “duty” to follow in the footprints of the women who “forged the path” for us to have the opportunities we have today to work outside the home. If we don’t want to work and would rather stay home with our children, feminists view this as not living up to our potential. And all this stuff about “having it all,” i.e. working full time and being available for our children as much as we want or need to be while remaining gorgeous and stress free, is crap. I wish feminists would stop putting this junk out there so women can stop feeling guilty if they don’t live up to this impossible ideal.

4. I think Title 9 is BS. If you have to take away from or put down others in order to get what you want in life, you ought to reevaluate what you want in life. Of course women should have opportunities to play collegiate sports. They should not take away opportunities from men in order to do so. Also, see #1.

5. I think staying home to raise her children is the most important and fulfilling job a woman can do. I do not think that it is a waste of her intellectual abilities (though I too had to battle this feeling within myself when I stopped working).

*Note: Having said that, I want to clarify that I don’t think that working makes someone a bad mom, or less of a woman, or not important, or anything else like that. I’m all for a woman being able to choose what is right for her family, and I’m not trying to fan the “Working Mom vs. Stay-at-Home Mom” flames. I’m just trying to shoot down the feminist idea that a woman staying at home to take care of her children is “less” (important, fulfilled, smart, capable, etc.) than one who chooses to work.

6. Women and men (girls and boys) are different. On many levels. Period. Our differences are not just caused by the ways we are raised. I wish feminists would stop trying to say that we’re the same. The differences between men and women are a good thing.

7. Along those lines, I think chivalry is great. My girls will be encouraged to seek relationships with boys/men who are gentlemen. They won’t feel entitled to have a man open a door for them, nor will they feel offended when one does.

8. I don’t view women as victims, and I think it is harmful to my gender to continually harp on the idea that we’ve been oppressed and victimized. Women can be strong without needing to take away from or attack men.

9. I have every intention of raising my daughters to be strong, independent, loving, non-feminists. I will tell and show them that choosing to stay home with them is the best decision I have ever made. I will encourage them to pursue whatever goals they set for themselves, but I will also let them know that it’s okay for them to pursue their goals in stages and to plan for the possibility that they may someday want to leave their careers for a while to be home with their kids.

If I’m honest, I wish feminism would just go away. I don’t think it’s necessary, and in fact I think it is harmful to women and families (and men too). I think it just stirs up resentment among women and between women and men. Calling it “Women’s issues” or “The Women’s Movement” or whatever other name tries to present it as being representative of the views and needs and wants of all women is incorrect and annoying. It’s feminism. I am not a feminist. Are you?

All That I Hoped It Would Be

Posted on December 27, 2012January 11, 2023 by Amy

I have always tried my best to be a thoughtful gift-giver, and now that I have kids, my investment in giving good gifts has increased exponentially. I want them to love the gifts. I want their gifts to encourage lots of creative play. I want their gifts to be sturdy. I want their gifts to not be obnoxious. I have a lot to think about when choosing the gifts for my children for Christmas. Quality, not quantity.

More than the gifts, I really want my kids to get a lot out of the whole experience of Christmas. Putting up the Christmas tree, singing carols, going to see Santa, baking cookies, spending time with family, doing all the traditional things that bring such warm memories to my mind from my own childhood. We’ve had a great time doing these things the past few weeks.

For me Christmas morning is the culmination of all the holiday doings. It’s the time when all the build up about Santa and his magic comes to fruition.

On Christmas morning, I want my kids to be bursting with excitement and all the pure wonder that only children can express.

This year, Christmas morning was all that I hoped it would be.

It was waking up early with this little one and waiting for her sisters to come down while starting breakfast preparations.

It was finally hearing the big girls stirring upstairs and hearing their giddy anticipation as they rushed to see what Santa left for them, watching them search for the one thing they really, really wanted (The Big Snow White!), and then seeing the pure, childish joy when they found it.

It was watching and hearing them play with their Santa gifts while I finished making breakfast. What a joyful sound.

It was finally making creamed eggs (Miss called them “egg nugget” for some reason!) by myself without needing to call my mom for her “recipe.” I’ve never written down the instructions she has given me so many times over the years, though I say to myself that I will every time. I call her twice a year (on Christmas and Easter) to ask how to make creamed eggs and have been doing so since at least 2003. This year, I finally just did it myself. With Charlie Brown Christmas playing in the background, I made my roux, added my milk, salted and peppered, and stirred in my chopped hard-boiled eggs all by myself. I felt like such a big girl. My 3 year old did help, though. She told me I needed more salt.

It was the madness of opening the rest of the presents under the tree after breakfast.

It was loving watching my big girls’ different approaches to this process, with Miss tearing open every present that had her name on it, barely stopping in between to look at what she had just revealed, and Lass stopping to play for a while with each toy as she unwrapped it and leisurely making her way around to open each of her gifts.

It was seeing my older girls, surrounded by all their new toys, choosing to sit and read for a while.

It was taking a little bit of time myself to explore the wonderful new books on cooking my husband gave me – “The Elements of Cooking: Translating the Chef’s Craft for Every Kitchen,” “Ratio: The Simple Codes Behind the Craft of Everyday Cooking,” and “Twenty: 20 Techniques, 100 Recipes, A Cook’s Manifesto” all by Michael Ruhlman, all Awe. Some.

It was all of these things and more.

It was joyous. It was magical.

I really think I love Christmas and Santa even more through the eyes of my children than I did when I was little myself.

18 Things My Daughters Will Know Before They Turn 18

Posted on December 5, 2012December 16, 2012 by Amy

The other day I was wandering around Pinterest, and I saw something that caught my eye. It was titled something like “15 things you should teach your daughter before she turns 18.” I don’t know why (it’s not like I choose the things to teach my daughters based on them), but I always enjoy reading these little lists. I often find them to be endearing. Sweet. Nice thoughts on mothering daughters. So I clicked on it and proceeded to read.

Unfortunately, this one was pretty disappointing, and even slightly disturbing. It had points like the following (I’m paraphrasing):

“The only alcoholic beverage you should drink from a bottle is beer.” Okay. This is true. But not one of my top 15 things to teach my daughters before they are 18.

“Every guy looks at other girls’ boobs. They can’t help it. Don’t take it personally.” Really? That’s what you want to teach your daughter before you send her off into the world? Ew.

And “Every slice of pizza you eat requires 30 minutes of running to burn it off. 2 slices, an hour, and so on. That doesn’t even count the beer.” I don’t even know where to begin with the issues I have with this statement. How about that it is just begging for the development of an eating disorder?

Anyway, there are 12 others there. Some of them aren’t so bad. One warns against cutting one’s own hair. Another recommends you don’t ask a question if you aren’t emotionally ready to hear an honest answer. I won’t go into all of them. You get the gist.

I realize that the author’s intent seemed to be preparing one’s daughter to leave home and go to college, where crazy parties and roller coaster relationships can wreak havoc with a young girl’s self esteem and even place her at risk when overindulging in alcohol, drugs, etc. Yes. I get that. I also sense that perhaps this list was written a bit tongue in cheek. I don’t know. It certainly wasn’t cute or sweet or inspiring of warm and fuzzy thoughts of my future as a mother of daughters preparing them to go off into the world as strong, independent, compassionate women.

But reading that list did make me think about the things that I think are important for my daughters to learn before they are 18 (or before they leave the house). So here they are (some of them anyway).

18 Things My Daughters Will Know Before They Turn 18

1. How to change a tire, check oil, and use basic power tools.

2. How to accept a compliment graciously. A smile and a sincere “Thank you” are sufficient. Self-deprecation is not attractive.

3. When meeting someone new, shake hands firmly and make eye contact.

4. The joy of cooking. My Dad tried many times to teach me to cook before (and after) I left home. I was never into it. I always told him, “I’m an intelligent person Dad. I can read and follow a recipe to cook whatever I want.” This is true to a degree, but I viewed cooking as a chore and was really a horrible cook until well into my twenties when I started having fun with it. I want my daughters to learn that cooking is fun and to experience the joy of cooking good food for themselves and others.

5. Do not waste your time in a relationship with someone (boyfriend, friend, etc.) who doesn’t respect you and treat you as a priority. (And for Pete’s sake, if he’s looking at another girl’s boobs in front of you, ditch him!)

6. The things you eat and drink can either be your body’s best medicine or its worst poison. Eat real food and enjoy it. Eat only until you feel satisfied, even if it means leaving some food on your plate. Don’t deny yourself occasional “treats.” Everything in moderation.

And because I want my children to learn about alcohol and drugs from their Dad and me rather than from their peers:

7. Too much alcohol impairs ability to make good choices. Don’t impair your ability to make good choices. If you do drink, be responsible about it. Never, ever get into a car with a driver who has been drinking (including yourself). And from my paranoid side: Only accept drinks that are prepared in your sight, and don’t leave your drink unattended.

8. When you’ve had a bad day, turn up the music and dance until you feel better.

9. You don’t get anywhere in life by speaking negatively of others. If you feel that you need to cut someone else down in order to get ahead, you need to reevaluate where you’re heading. Avoid gossip and backbiting.

10. Be a good friend. Listen well. Friendship is a fine art (wisdom from Great Grandma S), and a true friend is a treasure.

11. Your sisters are your best friends for life. Don’t let disagreements linger. Forgive and love and protect each other no matter what.

12. Beauty and attractiveness are determined more by behavior than appearance. Be kind to others and carry yourself with grace and confidence always.

13. Family is always a top priority.

14. Learn about things for yourself. Don’t believe everything you hear. Know how to do your own research. Form your own opinions.

15. Trust your instincts. If you have a “gut feeling” about something, listen to it.

16. Dress in a classy manner. “Stylish” does not mean “revealing” or “skin tight.” Unless you’re wearing a bathing suit, I guess.

17. Never let someone (including yourself!) tell you you can’t do something. As your Dad likes to say, “If I cannot find a way, I will make one.”

18. If you choose to pursue something, always do it to the fullest. You’ll never regret working hard for something.

What would you add?

Parenting for an Audience

Posted on November 8, 2012November 8, 2012 by Amy

There was a time, before I had kids and when Miss was very small, when I believed I knew all there was to know about disciplining a toddler or preschooler. I watched other people do it with their own kids, and sometimes thought to myself all the reasons they weren’t doing it right. I didn’t get all caught up in judgement, but did have passing thoughts like, “My kid will do what I tell her, when I tell her,” and “Wow, I would never put up with that kind of behavior,” or “Geez, that mom is so rude to her kids!” I thought I had all the disciplining answers. I am a psychologist, after all. I had studied Skinner and Watson and Hull and Thorndike and could rattle off all sorts of stuff about behavioral principles. I used to teach seminars about the use of these principles with kids and adult patients. I had it all figured out.

To be clear, I never went so far as to think another mom was a bad mom, and there were many times I watched other moms in action and marveled at how awesome they were.

But yeah, I really did think I knew how to handle discipline.

Then Miss hit toddlerhood. She turned two, and then three, and Lass started walking and talking, and she turned two, and all of a sudden I had two little people with two very different personalities, sometimes seeming to be coordinating a mutiny, and all the stuff I thought I knew turned out to be crap.

I thought I knew all about disciplining a toddler and/or preschooler.

Then I had one.

Now I have two.

Nowadays it is not uncommon for me to have many moments in a day when I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.

When Miss flatly rejects something that I’ve asked her to do or looks me in the eye and deliberately does exactly what I’ve just asked her not to do.

When Lass has a super meltdown and nothing seems to calm her.

When the two of them are at each other’s throats and Sis is crying and holy-crap-I-can’t-seem-to-think-of-a-single-effective-way-to-respond-to-this-what-the-heck-is-the-matter-with-me?

Usually I come up with something that works well enough, but sometimes I don’t. I realize my limitations and imperfections on a daily basis.

And all of this feels horribly multiplied when I am in a situation in which I am parenting for an audience. This happens pretty frequently, especially with all the traveling we do, visiting family and staying in the same house with others for a week or sometimes more (as we have been for two of the past two-and-a-half weeks).

I really don’t love disciplining my children when other people are observing me. As much as I may sometimes lose my grip and feel out of sorts when disciplining at home, it all feels so much worse when others are around. Not really because of anything that other people do, but because it seems like almost always one of two things happens:

1. I respond calmly and in a way with which I feel comfortable and good, but second guess myself because I think other people might be looking at me and thinking, “Geez, why doesn’t she do something with that kid?” (because of course none of my children always do just what I say when I say it)

2. I totally forget all the strategies I have learned for handling difficult situations with my girls and end up growling and crabbing and yelling at them, and then I feel even worse than I usually do when I lose my temper with them, because not only have I not responded to my kids the way I want to, but someone else has seen me act like a total jerk too.

And of course also because I remember the things I used to think when I watched moms in similar situations. Oh the irony. Now I know how much easier it is to watch from the outside of a parenting dilemma and come up with a good solution, when as a parent, caught in the emotion of the moment, with others watching me, my mind goes totally blank.

Sometimes it seems there’s some sort of cosmic payback occurring as I flop and flounder as a mom in front of others.

Oh, how I wish I could take back all those moments when I was the audience, and I thought I knew better.

Because the thing is, when you’re watching another parent and not in the heat of the moment, of course you can think of all the good effective ways to handle a melting-down or defiant child. But when it’s your own kids, the stakes are higher and emotions are intense and oh, it can be so hard to come up with the right thing to do or say or sometimes just to keep your cool. And naturally, my kids push boundaries way more with me than they do with anyone else.

I know there will continue to be lots of times when I feel like a total failure as a mom, whether in the privacy of my home, when with family and friends, or out in public. I’ve been the mom in Target with a screaming baby and two preschoolers hitting and scratching at each other, just pushing my cart as fast as I can to get. the. heck. out. I’ve melted down or crabbed at my girls in front of family members and felt so embarrassed about it afterwards (I am cringing thinking about a few examples from the past weekend).

But I know that the most important thing is that I try my best to be the best I can for my kids. Judgements from other people, real or imagined, will never be as important as those from my girls. As long as they know I love them and will always do the best I can for them, I can handle the embarrassment of sometimes missing the mark in front of other people.

Their Touchstone

Posted on October 6, 2012October 7, 2012 by Amy

Most days, I juggle spending time playing with my girls with all sorts of other daily stuff-I-have-to-do, like folding laundry, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, showering, and so on. It’s just the nature of being a mom. I’d like to spend tons and tons of time just playing with my kids. But I have to get other stuff done. So I alternate playing and doing something on my never ending mental to-do list. They play on their own. They’re pretty good at it. I think it’s a good thing.

But even though they’re good at entertaining each other and themselves, I do love to get down on the floor and just play with them without distractions. I do this at least for a little while every day. Today I made a point of skipping the laundry and other stuff and just being with them. We played dress up and sang songs. I was alternately assigned the roles of Beast, Evil Queen, Happy (dwarf), a giant, Snow White’s mother (?), Prince Charming, and Gaston.

And just when I thought I was being Super Awesome Mom and we were having the best. time. ever., Miss asked, “Is anyone coming over to play with us?” She was referring to a babysitter. I told her that no one was, that I was staying and playing with them.

“But I want someone to come play with us.”

Huh? I’m your Mom and I’m here, laughing and tickling and being silly and wearing crazy hats and playing all these stupid characters and you want a babysitter?

Yeah. Okay. I love that my girls like their babysitters. That’s a good thing. But when it comes to this sort of stuff, being compared with babysitters, Mom kind of gets a raw deal. I mean, let’s face it, I just can’t compete with someone who gets paid to do nothing but lavish all her attention and energy on my kids for the entire time she’s with them. She doesn’t have to do laundry, make beds, vacuum floors, make grocery lists, and on and on while trying to attend to my three kids. And while I’m pouting about this, I can’t compete with my husband on this stuff either. But that’s mostly just because he is totally willing to play monster and chase and hide and seek all. evening. long. with my two older girls. And truth? I really don’t like playing chase and hide and seek, so I’m giving that one up to him. But still …

I know. There are lots of times when my kids want only me. When they’re sick, or hurt, or scared, or tired. Or nervous, or excited, or proud. If I’m on the phone or trying to have a discussion with another mom at a play date. They want me when there’s a book to be read or a song to be sung. No one can tuck them in quite like me (though Miss chose to have my mom tuck her in every night when my parents visited recently).

I had to take the girls to the doctor today, because Miss had an ear infection. Third trip to the doctor in four days.

Sometimes other people, like Daddy, grandparents, and babysitters, are popular with my kids because they can provide them with undivided attention for extended periods of time. I do it sometimes too of course, though not as much as I’d like. Even when I make a point to just play, things don’t always work out the way I plan (today was a day for just playing, but then Miss complained of ear pain so we had to go to the doctor and then to Target for a prescription).

As Mom, I often have to divide my attention between my three girls or between my girls and the myriad other things I have to do each day. They are often excited to have a babysitter to play with them. They’re always excited for grandparents and their Dad.

It never bothers me that they love being with other people. I think it’s great. And it truly doesn’t bother me that they sometimes choose other people over me (though I was kind of shocked today to be dissed while I was doing what I thought was some super awesome playing with them).

Thing is, it’s not a competition. No one else can be their Mom. No one else will ever fill that role for them but me. And if they’re secure in that, then they’ll be happy to have great relationships with the other special people in their lives. They have awesome relationships with their Daddy and grandparents and aunts and uncles. And yes, clearly they enjoy their babysitters. Each of these relationships is special and important for each of my girls.

I don’t give my girls undivided attention all day long. I don’t think any mom does. It would be weird and helicopter-ish if I did. Instead, I spend some time giving them focused attention and the rest of the time they have me here, nearby, all day every day as their sounding board. Their touchstone. When they run to me or call to me countless times each day, I’m always here to answer, to listen, to watch.

They know that I’m always here, and that I always will be. Even when they choose the babysitter (or Grandma or Daddy) over me.

Motherhood and Miscellany

Category: Motherhood