We are about 5 months into RCIA this year, with a little over two months until the big day (Easter Vigil).
Monday night at our weekly meeting, this question was asked by the instructor: “Where are you in your faith journey compared to where you started this process?”
She went around and many of the candidates answered the question. Then she turned to me and one other woman, as the new sponsors who just went through the process last year, and posed the question, “Where are you in your journey now compared to where you were at this time last year?”
^^ Me. Last year. ^^
Though I didn’t want to admit it out loud, my response was basically to say that I’m floundering a little bit this year. Right now, I’m not living my faith as zealously as I would like to. I told the group something like this:
“Last year at this time, I was on fire. I was devouring all the Catholic reading I could get my hands on, I was spending lots of time in prayer and reading my Bible. I was learning so much and loving every minute of it. This year, though my faith hasn’t declined, my fire seems to have.”
I hate to admit this. I hate that this is so. I’m striving to get back to the place where I was. Or maybe even to a new place that’s even better. But I don’t quite know how.
One of the things I have struggled with in particular is prayer (this is not a new struggle for me). I feel like my prayers are boring and repetitive. Though I don’t say the exact same things every day, and I do add in new things or people to pray for as they come up, I am almost always praying for many of the same intentions, day after day. I’m asking for forgiveness of the same sins, day after day. I pray for my husband, and my children, and my godson, and my family, and my friends, and people I know who are pregnant, and people I know who are trying to get pregnant, and people I know who are sick, and the pope, and so on and so on. There are more things, and they’re all things that are important to me, but I feel like I just keep saying the same things over and over. My prayers are heartfelt, truly, but they also kind of bore me.
Ugh. What a horrible thing to write! But it’s true, and as a result my prayer time has diminished. This makes me feel so sad and a little lost.
Monday in our RCIA meeting, our young Associate Priest happened to be sitting in on our class. After my admission, someone asked him of how he deals with the ebb and flow of faith and zeal and energy for his vocation. For me, his response boiled down to one statement, “We are not the same today as we were yesterday. Things are not the same today as they were yesterday.”
I thought about those words all the way home and how they relate to my troubles with prayer. I realized that, no matter how much my prayers seem to be repetitive, to be the same day after day, they aren’t. They can’t be.
When I said my prayers this morning, I was not quite the same as I was yesterday, or the day before. I was a little bit different. My prayers were a little bit different. And the situations and people that I prayed for were a little bit different.
Although I pray often for the same intentions day after day, it is not the same prayer every time. It is a new prayer. It is a new conversation with Jesus. How can that ever be boring?
I am actively working to pull myself out of my little spiritual funk. To reignite my zeal. To spend more time in prayer and study again. Everything is definitely better when I pray more.
I think maybe it’s normal to have periods of being relatively less “on fire.” But I want to be on fire again. I do not want to be lazy about my faith and my relationship with Jesus.
I need to remind myself of this:
“Prayer is an aspiration of the heart, it is a simple glance directed toward Heaven, it is a cry of gratitude and love in the midst of trial as well as joy; finally, it is something great, supernatural, which expands my soul and unites me to Jesus.” – St. Therese of Lisieux
Amen
Amy, this post! This conversation came up often while I was going to spiritual direction with Sister Kathleen (she’s kind of my favorite!). Two things: First, she would always remind me that there was grace in being able to know there was a spiritual dryness happening and in that very fact she encouraged me to see Him pursuing me. Because it was with His grace that I sensed and was saddened by the dryness. A reality that could only mean He was always with me wanting me to find Him. Second, The Fulfillment of All Desires by Ralph Martin is my most favorite favorite favorite spiritual read ever. It shares the stages of spiritual union via the wisdom and experiences of the saints (including dryness). It’s a big read and dense at times but so very encouraging and enlightening for our journey. If I had a second copy I’d mail it to you but since I only have one (which I know I’m presently finally getting around to finishing the tail end of), I’d mail you my copy. So, if you have the means, do purchase it!
And, I’ll throw in a third 🙂 Prayers for you on this journey and if you’ll share some prayers for me and mine that would be so great!
“Because it was with His grace that I sensed and was saddened by the dryness.”
Wow. I never thought of it like that, but YES. Thank you so much for your comment Amanda, and for the book recommendation. I happen to be in between books, so perhaps that should be my next read!
I will absolutely pray for you, and thank you.
I completely understand! I am a new convert too, last Easter! Like you I feel like I’m praying for the same things over and over again. And part of me feels like, “God, you know what I what/need, what they want/need, etc. Do I really need to keep saying it again, and again, etc”. But for me I found that this was stemming from a lack of faith. There is not need for me to keep asking, because, a) God is gonna do whatever He is gonna do with or without me and b) if God was gonna do something about my situation/friends situation etc. He would have done it by now. I have to keep telling myself, that my prayers make a difference. Maybe not in the specific way I imagine or hope. Although it would be nice if it did. But my prayers matter to God, to the Saints, to my family and to myself. Something happens each time we pray, we may not know what it is, but something happens.
I hope this helps fan your flames!
Yes, I agree! I have to remind myself of that often too, and I like the way you put it. Thanks!